July 2009
15 posts
Breaking down a door
A lot of people have been impressed by my brute strength in breaking that door down when I was going after Amy. To give a hand to the other, less experienced bounty hunters out there, I’m going to give a tutorial. This has come in handy more than a few times for me.1. Take a stiff drink of something. If water is all you’ve got, that’s fine too. Good hydration is key to doorframe breaking.2. Be...
Luck Be a Crafter Lady
I’ve got this lucky fishing lure; I take it with me on every job and it’s never failed me yet. It’s been my good luck charm to bring in some of the toughest suspects. I’ve got it hanging from my rearview mirror so it can send out its vibe and get the cosmos working for me. And, up until now, it’s worked like a champ. I mean, it’s been better than a rabbit’s foot that has a four-leaf clover...
Top 10 Inventions
I’m man enough to admit when I’m wrong. I was behind Provo Craft when they wanted me to get these Gypsies back. But to be honest, I really didn’t understand how cool these things were. Now that I’ve seen first hand the extremes ladies will go to keep them and witnessed with my own two eyes what they are actually capable of, I’ve gone ahead and put the Gypsy on my list of best inventions ever. It...
Drag
Sometimes, to catch a crafter, you gotta be a little crafty yourself. That’s why I’m gonna go undercover and infiltrate enemy lines – I just got a tip that there’s a swarm going on and I’m making a point to be there. They’ll be sitting there making cards and posters and whatnot and I’ll be right there with ‘em laughing and giggling. Then someone’ll say, “My what big guns you got, granny.” Then,...
Believe it
You gotta hand it to these ladies. They’re clever. And quick. I figured this would have been my easiest job ever, but turns out to be the toughest. These women have a whole lot of stamina and vigor. And when you mix those words together, what do you get? Stagor – an ancient Hopi word meaning “full of vigor and stamina.” I mean, have you ever seen a minivan get up on three wheels? Or a 60-year-old...
Swarm
I don’t get it. Why do crafters call their parties swarms? I had to look it up on the Internet. It’s just a bunch of bees flying around. After I thought about it I guess the name kinda fits since I’ve been stung by more than a few of those bees. They also call their little get togethers crops. When I typed that in a bunch of pictures of corn popped up. That’s just weird. These ladies got a...
Turtle
So now it seems like the entire Animal Kingdom is in cahoots with The Crafties. Right after that dang turtle took me on a wild goose chase through the swamp, I found this online. :http://www.snopes.com/photos/animals/elephantpainting.asp (Now, I know this is crazy, but I looked it up on snopes.com so I know it’s a solid fact.) First you got turtles acting as accomplices, carrying...
Caught on tape!
So after the incident at the swarm I decided I needed some answers. Exactly how do you go about trapping a grown man in his own vehicle against his will? How could something like this happen in broad daylight? Did Beth have help or did she act alone? Was the Gypsy really there or was I just groggy from my nap and seeing things? I couldn’t rest until I had some answers. Then I got a huge break....
I Will Survive
So I haven’t been totally successful lately. Heck, some people might say I’ve done right crummy. I wouldn’t, because I’m a fighter. You may lose a few fights before you win the war. You may break a few eggs when you’re making an omelet. Big deal. I’ll get these crafties, you just watch me. In related news, I went into a gas station the other day, on my way back from what I’m now calling The Nancy...
You are what you eat
A lot of people have asked me where I get all my energy. They are amazed I can keep up the stamina to chase these Rogue Gypsies across the country and never get tired or run down. So I thought I would share the secret to my success. You know the old saying, you are what you eat? Well it’s more than just a saying. It’s words to live by. The first step is to ask yourself, what do I want to be?...
These boots were made for walkin
I’ve had these bad boys for as long as I can remember. As you can tell they’ve seen better days. Just recently I’ve put some serious miles on them as I’ve zigzagged across the country looking for Provo Craft’s new top secret device that has fallen into the hands of some rogue crafters. I’ve followed leads from Dallas Texas, to Rancho Cucamonga California, to St. Paul Minnesota, to Canton Ohio,...
T-rex is mad
Saw this awesome dino statue the other day and it got me thinking. Why is T-rex always mad? Seriously, think about it. Every time you see him in books or movies or even at museums he’s always chasing someone and is really angry. I think it’s all the constant chasing that is getting to him. Catching is fun. But the never ending chase, not so much. I know how he feels. I’ve been chasing the Gypsy...
Wanted: 1 new tire.
So somehow I got a pair of cutesy crinkle cut scissors stuck in one of my tires. Now I would be a little more understanding if it was a nail or a screw, or even a piece of glass. I would chalk it up to bad luck and move on. But nobody just by happens to get some crafty scissors wedged deep into their tire. This was all Kate. I’d bet the farm on it. I’ve been hot on her trail. Barely missed her...
Fence-1, Ankle-0
The other day I was walking through a park looking for a suspect. Sure enough, there she was, lying on a blanket, scrap booking away on her Gypsy. She saw me coming and bolted. Almost caught up to her until she scaled a chain link fence with one hand clutching her Gypsy in the other. I tried to do the same and that’s when I realized I’m not as spry as I used to be. Going up wasn’t so hard....
Good itchy, or bad itchy?
So I got tipped off that Nancy would be at a kid’s birthday party down in Dallas. She takes her Gypsy with her everywhere so I knew if I could sneak up on her, the Gypsy was as good as mine. Problem was the “sneaking up” part involved belly crawling through a bunch of stuff that may or may not be poison ivy. Don’t know if I got into a patch of the real deal or I’m just being paranoid. Either...