A lot of people have been impressed by my brute strength in breaking that door down when I was going after Amy. To give a hand to the other, less experienced bounty hunters out there, I’m going to give a tutorial. This has come in handy more than a few times for me.1. Take a stiff drink of something. If water is all you’ve got, that’s fine too. Good hydration is key to doorframe breaking.2. Be sure to exhale right when you hit the door. I’m not sure what this does, but I’ve seen my hero, Chuck Norris, do it so there’s gotta be something to it.3. Do a sidekick with your foot, contacting the door right below the doorknob. Using your shoulder is not advisable; I just did it for show.(Note, a back kick or a front push kick works too. A flying roundhouse, not so much.)

I’ve got this lucky fishing lure; I take it with me on every job and it’s never failed me yet. It’s been my good luck charm to bring in some of the toughest suspects. I’ve got it hanging from my rearview mirror so it can send out its vibe and get the cosmos working for me. And, up until now, it’s worked like a champ. I mean, it’s been better than a rabbit’s foot that has a four-leaf clover clutched between its claws. But I guess you could say it hasn’t been too lucky lately. Maybe its aura is losing potency, so that it only works on other aquatic creatures. Then again, it should have at least warned me that Amy was gonna jump into a dang pool, trying to get away from me.

I’m man enough to admit when I’m wrong. I was behind Provo Craft when they wanted me to get these Gypsies back. But to be honest, I really didn’t understand how cool these things were. Now that I’ve seen first hand the extremes ladies will go to keep them and witnessed with my own two eyes what they are actually capable of, I’ve gone ahead and put the Gypsy on my list of best inventions ever. It was a tough decision, but television got bumped out of the Top Ten. Here’s what we’ve got now: 
10. Energy Drinks
9. Mixed Martial Arts
8. T-Bone Steaks
7. Futons
6. Skulls, and skull-related paraphernalia
5. Monster Trucks
4. Lightning
3. Gravy
2. The Gypsy
1. Bite-sized pizza pockets

Sometimes, to catch a crafter, you gotta be a little crafty yourself. That’s why I’m gonna go undercover and infiltrate enemy lines – I just got a tip that there’s a swarm going on and I’m making a point to be there. They’ll be sitting there making cards and posters and whatnot and I’ll be right there with ‘em laughing and giggling. Then someone’ll say, “My what big guns you got, granny.” Then, BAM! The Gypsy will be sitting next to me in Ol’ Mint Julep before they know what hit ‘em. Going into the belly of the beast this time my friends. So it’s gotta be incognito. Incognito’s a funny word. Sounds like a drink. “Hey bartender! Mix me up an Incognito on the rocks.” I bet I could drink a lot of ‘em!

You gotta hand it to these ladies. They’re clever. And quick. I figured this would have been my easiest job ever, but turns out to be the toughest. These women have a whole lot of stamina and vigor. And when you mix those words together, what do you get? Stagor – an ancient Hopi word meaning “full of vigor and stamina.” I mean, have you ever seen a minivan get up on three wheels? Or a 60-year-old lady in a pantsuit disappear through a tiny air vent 20 feet off the ground? How about somebody talking a turtle into doing their dirty work for them? Before this, I would have gone to my grave saying, “No way, No how!” But now, I wouldn’t put anything past a motivated creative woman.

I don’t get it. Why do crafters call their parties swarms? I had to look it up on the Internet. It’s just a bunch of bees flying around. After I thought about it I guess the name kinda fits since I’ve been stung by more than a few of those bees. They also call their little get togethers crops. When I typed that in a bunch of pictures of corn popped up. That’s just weird. These ladies got a language all their own. If you aint on the inside you don’t even know what they’re talking about. It’s downright frustrating. Like some sort of crafty Pig Latin.

So now it seems like the entire Animal Kingdom is in cahoots with The Crafties. Right after that dang turtle took me on a wild goose chase through the swamp, I found this online. :http://www.snopes.com/photos/animals/elephantpainting.asp (Now, I know this is crazy, but I looked it up on snopes.com so I know it’s a solid fact.) First you got turtles acting as accomplices, carrying transmitters off to some river while Rhonda gets away. Then there are elephants making crafty paintings. What’s next? Probably a herd of ostriches creating a diversion so another suspect can get away. I’m just saying, I don’t understand this animal connection but clearly they are not on my side. From this point forward, every animal is to be considered a suspect. Sure wish Ace Ventura was real; this is a job for a pet detective.

So after the incident at the swarm I decided I needed some answers. Exactly
how do you go about trapping a grown man in his own vehicle against his
will? How could something like this happen in broad daylight? Did Beth
have help or did she act alone? Was the Gypsy really there or was I just
groggy from my nap and seeing things? I couldn’t rest until I had some
answers. Then I got a huge break. By some miracle I was parked right under
a surveillance camera and it got the whole thing on tape! After bribing the
security guy with my last pack of Otter Pops the evidence was all mine. I sat
and watched in horror as Becky and accomplice snuck up on me while I was
sleeping and hot glued my doors and windows shut. There were even
a bunch of ladies who cheered them on. I thought they would step in like
good Samaritans, but they were all in on it. Once these ladies get together in
big groups like this they go wild. Never seen nothing like it. Worst of all, the
Gypsy was there. Right in front of my face but I couldn’t get to it. I thought
this tape would help, but it just made things worse. The more I watch it the
more humiliated I get. I wish I had some Otter Pops to make me feel better.

So I haven’t been totally successful lately. Heck, some people might say I’ve done right crummy. I wouldn’t, because I’m a fighter. You may lose a few fights before you win the war. You may break a few eggs when you’re making an omelet. Big deal. I’ll get these crafties, you just watch me. In related news, I went into a gas station the other day, on my way back from what I’m now calling The Nancy Debacle, and I found a cassette tape of Gloria Gaynor. So the day wasn’t a total bust. “I Will Survive!”

A lot of people have asked me where I get all my energy. They are amazed I can keep up the stamina to chase these Rogue Gypsies across the country and never get tired or run down. So I thought I would share the secret to my success.  You know the old saying, you are what you eat?  Well it’s more than just a saying. It’s words to live by. The first step is to ask yourself, what do I want to be? Then eat that, it’s simple.  I want to be beefy so I eat cow and lots of it. I want to be smooth and suave so I eat gravy. I also want to be a sophisticated, well cultured man who appreciates the finer things in life and knows a thing or two about the old world, so I eat macaroni and cheese. Put these all together on a plate and you can’t go wrong. I’ve eaten this at least twice a day for 10 years and look where it’s got me. Sometimes I mix it up, but the one thing that stays the same is the color. I’ve found if everything has the same golden fried yellowish color, you can’t go wrong. If you want more tips on how to eat like a winner you’re going to have to wait a few more months until my cookbook comes out. Until then just stick with the tried and true, well balanced meal above and you will have boundless energy to do whatever you want right after you take a short nap.